Happy New Year! Welcome to my 2025 blog!

To do a little recap if you want to take a look back at my blogs to date, nearing the end of 2024, I began with an introduction of myself. We then embarked on a journey through the chapters of my book and the story of my life. We left off at the pivotal moment of “little Jocelyn” being alienated from her birth parent and the effects of parental alienation. In my blog, we will continue to travel through the chapters of my story and then merge into publishing with Powerful Books and Beyond. Rather than recapping the chapters in full, I will be shedding further light and providing information on topics touched on within my book.

Nothing like starting a new year with one of the most difficult topics coming out of the gate…

My sexual abuse.

This occurred at a very tender time in my life within my elementary years. I had very little parental involvement; one parent was absent and the other was removed. I was in solitude the majority of the time. I have more memories of being alone than I do of a parental figure being present. Our apartment and my room did not have many material contents. Many necessities were scarce or few and far between. I recall the ongoing agony in the pit of my stomach of feeling alone. It's a horrible feeling that carried through into my adult years. This feeling would cause me to cling to anyone and anything just not to feel it. It would prove to be one of the most damaging symptoms in my life that I developed. For many, this is why toxic behaviors and relationship patterns, substance abuse, and addictions of all kinds form.

Within this era, an abuser entered my world. He was to provide protection and care to my sibling and me while my parent was away from home. Little, fragile, trusting, tiny Jocelyn went to him with open arms. That aching feeling of missing my alienated parent so very much he soothed. That bottomless abandonment pit in my stomach he would fill. I cuddled into him like he was a comforting teddy bear. He naturally gave me what I so desperately needed. I had no comprehension that I was being groomed. In time, he began to push the envelope and games came into play. Games in which body parts would be introduced as human names. This would later evolve into the language I required to be instructed by him to achieve his sexual wants and needs. I did not enjoy the sexual acts but I did crave the bond we shared like it was a drug. It made me feel momentarily whole and complete. He was tender and caring towards me. He seemed to always want to keep me emotionally close and bonded to him. As long as I gave him physically what he instructed or took. He would give me emotionally what I needed. In this, I began to make the association of love with physical connection and intimacy. When he would leave; “love” would leave. I was plummeting to depths of sadness that made me wish for non-existence.

This association of love coupled with “fear of abandonment” drastically impacted the relationships I had into my teen and adult years. Both platonic and romantic. The neglect, parental alienation, parental absence, grooming, and sexual abuse became the blueprint that began building my intellectual foundation. Through inner child work and other healing modalities, I was able to release the negative effects of my traumas and rebuild my cognitive thought patterns.

Love is one of the strongest positive frequencies we can experience. To receive the love we desire it must first be achieved within. The frequency we are at is the frequency we attract in all walks of life. If you are not attracting in your life what you want for your life then it's time to go within. The underlying reason is within you. It's a hard pill to swallow I know. My interpretation of love and my fear of being alone were not created by me. They were not my fault. But what was my fault? Ignoring little Jocelyn was. Not listening to her needs. Leaving her abandoned in the place she was being neglected and abused. The moment I decided to go back in and rescue her was the moment my life was forever changed. It was the moment I experienced true love and raised my frequency to it.

As victims, we are taught to hide our truths because they bring shame. We are taught to suppress our emotions because they bring negativity. We are left with no justice but a psychological life sentence for crimes we did not commit. I fought against everything I was taught to believe. Through every bar of that jail cell until I freed my soul. I carry little Jocelyn in my heart and in my arms every day. When I am scared I remind myself that no one is more scared than that little girl who was left in that place to come to her demise. Allowing my fears keeps her in that place. I have to protect her as if she is my child standing before me.

When I am afraid of loss that fear of abandonment kicks in. Again, I envision little me. Little me in all her purity, her uniqueness, her quirks, her raw and authentic beauty. If someone can't see her worth and choose her well that's quite ok by me. I choose her. I know true love will unconditionally choose her too. Not for any personal gain to take from her. Love will be an echo of all she is. Love won't hurt and love won't leave. I now can let go; I now surrender.

When fear kicks in, again I go to little Jocelyn. I envision her behind me; I am her shield. Knowing I must walk through the fear as her protection to the other side. That opinions, shamming, ill will, judgment, and limiting beliefs must be deflected. To rise above. To trust in my faith and forever keep her safe. Suppressing her; keeping her imprisoned almost took her life. It resulted in collateral damage to others. No more…free she will forever be.

Along our path, our purpose is to take every child with us. Every child and child within who needs the protection and the strength to use their voice to heal. May all be seen, heard, and understood.

Love and light,

Jocelyn.

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