My Name Is Sonia

My Name Is Sonia

Sonia Guzman

Sonia Guzman

Blog cover image

My Name is Sonia. My world collapsed when my 28-year relationship ended—just four months before my annual emotional breakdown, and a mere four months before COVID shut the world down. This cycle of mine, which had always been predictable, had already intensified, with breakdowns doubling in 2019. But now, the world’s upheaval forced me to face my own. I had no choice but to stay under the same roof with my ex, isolated together as the pandemic unfolded. Anger filled me. I was furious with the world, with everyone, and I had run out of space for the self-hatred I’d been carrying on my shoulders.

In my rage, I resisted the sudden shift in society toward valuing mental health. My blood boiled with rebellion, my fury demanding a release. But, as I’d learned to do since childhood, I swallowed my feelings, hiding them under stoic slogans that shielded me from pain: Never let them see you sweat and Pain is of the mind.

Yet the armor cracked. I’d find myself crying alone on the bathroom floor, tears streaming, choking on a silent howl until my throat swelled. And that’s when a different question surfaced within me: How can I trust the guidance of God’s love within me now? I asked, with my heart open, desperate, pleading with the gods, spirits, angels—anything that would listen—to help me find my truest self.

Then, something shifted. A soft whisper echoed in my right ear: It’s okay; I’m going to show you something you’re ready to see. In a dream-like vision, I felt myself floating, watching scenes from my life as though in a theater, the universe inviting me to confront buried parts of myself.

The first scene was pure chaos—a “rage room” where I shattered everything in sight, screaming like a person unhinged. It was my fury at the world, at the what-ifs everyone was suddenly so afraid of: What if there’s no more toilet paper? What if I lose my job? What if I can’t pay my rent? COVID held the world hostage, leaving no one untouched. But, strangely, this panic mirrored what I’d felt 30 years earlier as a teen mom: judged, unsupported, overwhelmed by the stigma. Watching this rage, I thought, Welcome to my world. You motherfuckers are finally feeling what I felt all those years. And in that moment, a new mantra formed within me: I’m Sunny As Fuck, and I’m going to become the best version of myself.

The second vision came with a dramatic voice-over, like a movie trailer. In a world that turned its back on her… I saw myself as a young mother, alone and struggling, living in a car with my baby girl, hustling to make ends meet while society seemed determined to keep me down. At one point, a social worker told me, If you have more kids, you’ll get more money. I remember thinking, What the fuck? and feeling both appalled and defiant. Then came the third scene—a horror movie I tried to turn away from. The universe held me firmly, whispering, You need to see this. The screen went dark, and then, in painful clarity, a little girl appeared. She was silent, still, trying to hold her breath to escape her reality. That little girl was me, abused and abandoned, hoping for peace that never came. My family’s silence around my childhood sexual abuse filled me with a lifetime of shame, anxiety, and breakdowns. Never let them see you sweat had been my shield ever since.

But my journey had begun. Up until now I’d thought of myself as “wired backwards.” Now, I understood: You have the power to rewire. Our minds download beliefs from our experiences, but we can change those patterns—we don’t have to live on autopilot.

Today, I’m writing for Powerful News because the Powerful community believed in me, even when I struggled to believe in myself. Sharing my story feels like shedding the weight of repression and stepping out of the mental prison I built to survive. For too long, I held back in relationships, hid my potential, and shrank from the world. Writing this story is an act of freedom—for myself, for others, and to finally open my heart fully. This journey is also practice as I find the courage and the words to tell my full story in my Powerful book.

Sending you strength, blessings, and positive vibes.

If you’d like to stay connected, follow me on Instagram (@sistersa_badass) and Facebook (@sonia.guzman.332)!

Comments

Real Stories.
Real People.

Contact

contact@iamperrypower.com

© 2024 Be Powerful

Powerful Books Ltd

Powerful Productions Ltd

Real Stories.
Real People.

Contact

contact@iamperrypower.com

© 2024 Be Powerful

Powerful Books Ltd

Powerful Productions Ltd